and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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