why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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