ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
