On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
