she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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