i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize