all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
