Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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