I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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