my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
