Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
