I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
