i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize