the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
