The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
