My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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