If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
