No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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