If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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