You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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