Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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