If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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