you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
