I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
