I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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