Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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