Porn is love you can see.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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