drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
