hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
