You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Everclear isn't food dammit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
