i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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