What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
