The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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