Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
