the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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