I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
