I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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