I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
