Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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