well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
