I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
