put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
