I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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