Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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