I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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