If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
