Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
