i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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