I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
