The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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