Whatcha textin bout Willis?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
