"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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