Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
