Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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