one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
