Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
