Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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