He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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