I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
