Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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