Do you still have your period?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
