It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
